as time past by, i don't see myself holding on to this relationship. im so tired of holding on & saving this relationship. but i love him too much too let him go. i can't eat, i can't sleep. think its easy to be in a relationship? think again.

first it was the parents. my parents. yes, surprisingly my dad & mom called him. & u guys should know how freaking strict my parents are. they don't believe in me getting into a relationship at this age & after what had happened. but i thank Allah, my parents does blessed our relationship & so does his mom.

but, the worst has yet to happen...

shits happens. obstacles after obstacles. the one i thought wanted us to be together, actually its the one that doesn't want to see us together. i really wanted to cry upon reading his letter. the one i always look up as a big brother didn't actually really love me or even cared for me. instead he thinks im out to hurt his bestfriend. i wana bodoh-bodokan zam.

aper? jahat sangat ke aku nie? kaki jatan sangat ke aku nie? aku kikis duit zam? seriously kalao nak cakap dulu prangai aku macam sial, than by all means.. but people do change okei, after my release from DRC, zam is the only one i dated with & contact-ed with & inlove with. i learnt how to appreciate MANUSIA... abih kalao nak kikis duit zam? aiyoh, 4 months ago, he wasn't even working okei. macam maner sempit, tetap kiter happy. how his buisness rabak.. how sometimes, he wanted to cry... who was there? & nak cakap aku cocok zam, PLEASE.. i got better things to do.. it was him who make the decision in everything okei. SUMPAH in our relationship, im not shy to say this, but his the one who makes most of the decision.. aku tak pernah eyk queen control.. step zam nak dgr jek cakap aku, ego dia da besar nak mampos..~

anyway, the moral of the story im so happy & grateful to have him although at times, i wanted to just leave him, i know i can't. cos he really meants alot to me and i really meant alot.

god, i am weeping.

you know, zam will always listen to bai as zam doesn't have an elder brother or father to look up to. so he respectd bai & will listen to what bai has to say. but how could he,bai say those things to zam?& my baby actually didn't want to hurt me, so he didn't wanted to show the letter to me. but i forced him to...in the end he end up letting me read that letter. how devasted i was. i just wanted to cry there & then becos i know, zam can actually leave me with just a snap of his fingers. cos he will listen to bai. i want to give up but i can't.. i save this relationship too many times. how we fought? how i make him trust him? remembering all those sacrifices i made.. i couldn't let this relantionship just past by like that... i ahve worked so much.. and this feeling never died once..

after sending him to the poly just now, i was freaking tired, but give him his medicine and apply oil for him on his back. when i was about to put him to sleep, i could see the tears in his eyes. i told him, aper nak jadi, jadi & whateva his decision is, i respect it. once he was asleep, i asked myself...why eyk ramai orang tanak kite together? aper salah aku? aper salah dia? aper salah kiter? i didn't influenced him into anything.

"Zam Aku Tanak Kau Termakan Kater-Kater Pompan.. Kau Takmo Percayakan Sangat Dengan Pompan Kau.. Nie Jek Aku Nak Pesan.."

imagine? u reading those sentences... how would u feel? fuck, after all this while, siaper yang sblah zam? support zam while he was down with the stupid buisness, siaper yang encourage dia? advise dia? sampai hati korang buat aku ngan zam gini.

yes, maybe its true that aku pernah cakap macam maner pon tetap aku sayang kuachai. tapi nie skrg, aku ngan zam da nak masuk 5 bulan okei. we fight, we make up. macam maner he hurt me verbally or physically i still love him. kalao memang aku nak main main kan dia, da siang siang la aku jalan... buat aper aku nak hegeh hegeh sakitkan badan aku, sakit kan ati aku.. tak bodoh tu namenyer?

whateva la. baby's sleeping @ home. im going to help yaya with the food tomorrow. den send her off to ecp den off back to bedok, pick up baby den patah balik ecp for the birthday pit. i just hope & pray.. things will get better..

kalau da jodoh memang tak kemaner, kalao takder jodoh, macam maner pon tak bleh be together tak btol? haiz.. life..life.. manusia-manusia.. sampai ati eyk korang... sumpahh.. sampai ati..

& like what alin says,

"if this is love, trust me, you guys will make it through..."

bby uchuk; i love you more than u ever know..~







All My Life, I Pray For Someone Like You....